Jesse James

I have always been fascinated with the "Western"... cowboys, guns, ranches, the never-ending mountains, gun-slingers, outlaws, and other related stuff. I read about these things. One particular outlaw I read about is Jesse James...

His life as an outlaw, as a son, as a brother, as a friend, as someone who scared the hell out of everyone. I haven't watched The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, but I want to. I am actually waiting for it to be released on video or to be shown on HBO or Star Movies.

Anyway, the idea that someone you trusts enough to let him live in your house, would betray you, scares me. The thought that someone I know would shoot me in the back, is hell in its own way.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't trust easily, but when I trust someone, I trust him in full-confidence. and when betrayed it sucks. the feeling sucks.

i've lost confidence in some people, i know, but i still trust them, i still care for them, and in my aunt and cousin's cases, i still love them.

but just the thought of someone betraying my trust, scares me. scares me enough that i don't want to think about it.

my family knows somebody who was shot in the back. first on his legs, so he won't run, then to his back. he was a shot a corner away from his house. he was murdered on plain daylight, by his "kumpare". some of the bystanders said that he was screaming for his family, calling them, but it didn't help.

i knew him when i was still a child. his house was across ours in Kalookan. i often played with his daughter. he was the best friend of my Tita Jho. he took care of my Tita Jho when we were in Butuan. his is one of the faces that i still remember, nearly two decades later. i remember his face, smiling, joking around, teasing me for being small, being shy and for being "negra".

he represents a childhood which i vaguely remember. all i remember from that part of my life are the house we lived in, my teddy bear, my grandmother's wake after Christmas of 1989, my Tita Jho, who died a few months after we came back from Butuan in 1994, my Tita Fe, and him.

i can't bear thinking that someone i trust could betray me.

i won't.

i simply won't.